today wasn't tt bad. have a slight cough. either that or my throat doesn't really like me. anyway, my friend was saying that it seems like i like J more than i like T. and i wonder...
J is , as according to most people, a flirt. and probably in some ways she is. and perhaps i do get attracted by her flirtaciousness. after all, i know who she has in her heart and it aint me. yet, the smoothness in which she snuggles up to me or gently tugs my hand does strike a chord in my heart. nevertheless, i am trying my utmost best not to let her get a grip on my heart because i can foresee the devastation. yet, she does have a place in my heart. no doubt, there are times she does seem to act cute, yet her love of depression and wrist-cutting does arouse my concern. so, then, when i do want to let her go, i bear not to for fear she may harm herself. yet, in order to save myself, i have to let her go or i myself will fall into the bottomless pit. with nay but a branch or two to desperately cling on for dear life.
As for T. age doesnt matter. height doesnt matter. weight doesnt matter. size doesnt matter. well, the thing about T is that i have yet to know her completely. i know; i see; i observe her good points but all these mean nothing to me as i know not a single of her bad point. other than her self-proclaimed meanness and her supposedly-dao-ness, there is nothing evil i can find in her character. but, there has tobe. for that is the imbalance of the human character. the knowledge of your good and evil points and that fight. that constant struggle between the two sides. unconsciously. psychologically. spiritually. mentally. consciously.
Back to T, she has a place not just in my heart but my mind too. For I think of her occasionally. Yet i do not boast of that courage to maintain constant communication with her. Why? cause she would not reply. There were times my fears conquered me and confusion crept in on every side. "She does not remember of your existence" , "You are worth nothing to her" , "She looks down upon you". Yet, it is perhaps this growing admiration that i have for her. and perhaps that air of mystique that she carries around her that attracts me, like a fly to a light in the middle of the night.
So, then, who do i really like? alas! all these nonsensical ponderings do not lessen my confusion a single bit!
