An incident happened recently, which challenged the definition of colleagues and friends. The question of who I can trust was something I had to answer. A certain incident happened and blame was placed on me. Logic seemed to go against memory. What I remembered doing and checking did not turn out well for me, cause something was misplaced and found at my desk.
My girlfriend advised me to be careful at work and to watch my back. And rightly so, for unlike other new colleagues, I have slightly higher expectations to meet.
Rising up from a casual to a permanent position, there are procedures, protocols and paper work that I need to learn and master. On the other hand, there is a higher expectation to meet since I have been a casual for half a decade, and am expected to know venues and physical amenities like the back of my hand.
At times, it does seem to overwhelm me. A certain stress to hit a certain target aloft, and a certain level of independence required of me. Is it making me stronger or weaker? As time goes by, do I still trust and rely and depend and support my team mates, or are walls and masks and shields surfacing?
I have always believed in the good of people. I still do. Sometimes I think to myself, when did we get so wary of one another. So vicious. So sly. It's so easy to slip off the path of goodwork, and fall prey to a wad of cash in an open hand, or land on your front with a knife in your back.
Sometimes, I can only trust myself. Sometimes I feel lonely at work. Not that I am shunted or an outcast. Those who know me well know I can get along with anyone and everyone. I am friendly, and sociable, and outgoing with a carefree personality. But if I had a piece of paper with three circles on it: Best Friend/s, Close Friend/s, Casual Friend/s, I would need to think long and hard. Other than God and my girlfriend who would be in the first circle, I wouldn't know where to place the rest.
Is there a sense of belonging? Yes. I feel belonged to my work because it is my life. I feel empowered. I feel lively and at peace and at ease within myself. The air in office to me, is like sunlight to green leaves. This is home to me.
Because this is home, I do what I do best. Some people call it hardworking, or going beyond the duty. I just feel it is something I should do so why not do it. If we keep waiting for others to make the first step, no one would step forward.
There are people who are waiting for me to fall, to slip up, to stab in the back. But, if I keep watching the road, or looking behind, I will miss the rainbow on my left, and the dandelions dancing in the wind on my right.
At the end of the day, I know there is someone at home I can go to. Who will not judge me. Nor dictate me. But simply there. for. me.
