oh my..

ah drat! Now another classmate knows how J looks like. But, well, thankfully, she doesn't even know of J's importance in my life so, well, that's a good thing. :)
My love life is a terribly bore. and I'm voluntarily inflicting harm on myself. Not just cause I know my heart might be broken but because me and J is just like me and my, erm, ex. Only thing is the roles are reversed. the one giving the love and the one that wants it to be a friendship. I ain't sure what's with girls wanting to be my mother manz.. i mean.. my ex used to be my mum.. i've got a mum in my class now.. J has becomed my mum.. I suppose R, one of my seniors, could also be considered as my mum. Thank goodness I ain't got 7 if not it'll be a diff mum for a particular day. Mummy-fying!!!
Anyway.. Though it's hard but I really need to remove/kill/destroy/de-bug/delete/take out e feelings i have for J cause I know I can never be with her. We are like East meets West. And we can click well now cause we're on the East-West Line. (ok , that was lame.) Even if J does have slight feelings for me, it would never work out. long-term i mean. cause i know the feelings i have for her are only available for a limited period of time.
and what about T, do I hear you say? Well, I supposed it's long-term admiration. and respect. love?
soon my friend. soon. it. will. come.
tata.

tdae.. a girl.. nice smile!

haha.. i enjoyed myself tremendously today.. because of an incident that brightened up my day.
i was cycling at the park in the evening near the the Bird Sanctuary end of the park when i looked to my right (I was on the pedestrian lane) and saw a mother and a daughter on a bike. those two seater bicycle. anyway, they were, like, diagonally in front of me so, as i looked at them, the little girl looked at me. She was probably in lower primary, around 7 yrs old?? Her eyes had that mischievous look and her legs still continued pedaling. Sad for her, her mum had stopped pedaling so it didn't take much effort to be in alignment with them. Naturally the mother had no idea what transpired between me and her daughter.
As i inched forward, the daughter, while looking at me, pedaled even harder. Thus began the unprecedented race. between me and a girl half my age. what started the race? Smiles, grins and messages transmitted through the eyes.
Hee! I couldn't help it but I was grinning for the whole length of the race while her look changed from the I-can-cycle-faster-than-you to the I-don't-believe-you-cycle-that-fast. LOL. Of course, part of the fuel for my grins would be her ear-to-ear smile. :D
anyway, there we were. Me, on the pedestrian lane, planetshakers blaring in my earphones. eyes focused in front to avoid hitting small kids and others while i checked their 'progress' through my peripheral vision. She, on the hand, burdened with a mother oblivious to all that was taking place, was cycling as hard as she could.
Naturally I could have won her but well, i gave her leeway every now and then. There were times I was ahead and there were times I let her go ahead. Unfortunately, the race swiftly ended when the mother decided to turn right instead of going straight which was where i was heading. So, well, I sure do hope I might see that girl again.
You wonder why this would perk up my day? Simply, because it goes to show that firstly, you dont need to know a person to smile at that person, and secondly, there are people (ok, maybe kids) that, though you may not know, but you can have an enjoyable experience with. :)

hMm... she said.. he said

today wasn't tt bad. have a slight cough. either that or my throat doesn't really like me. anyway, my friend was saying that it seems like i like J more than i like T. and i wonder...

J is , as according to most people, a flirt. and probably in some ways she is. and perhaps i do get attracted by her flirtaciousness. after all, i know who she has in her heart and it aint me. yet, the smoothness in which she snuggles up to me or gently tugs my hand does strike a chord in my heart. nevertheless, i am trying my utmost best not to let her get a grip on my heart because i can foresee the devastation. yet, she does have a place in my heart. no doubt, there are times she does seem to act cute, yet her love of depression and wrist-cutting does arouse my concern. so, then, when i do want to let her go, i bear not to for fear she may harm herself. yet, in order to save myself, i have to let her go or i myself will fall into the bottomless pit. with nay but a branch or two to desperately cling on for dear life.

As for T. age doesnt matter. height doesnt matter. weight doesnt matter. size doesnt matter. well, the thing about T is that i have yet to know her completely. i know; i see; i observe her good points but all these mean nothing to me as i know not a single of her bad point. other than her self-proclaimed meanness and her supposedly-dao-ness, there is nothing evil i can find in her character. but, there has tobe. for that is the imbalance of the human character. the knowledge of your good and evil points and that fight. that constant struggle between the two sides. unconsciously. psychologically. spiritually. mentally. consciously.

Back to T, she has a place not just in my heart but my mind too. For I think of her occasionally. Yet i do not boast of that courage to maintain constant communication with her. Why? cause she would not reply. There were times my fears conquered me and confusion crept in on every side. "She does not remember of your existence" , "You are worth nothing to her" , "She looks down upon you". Yet, it is perhaps this growing admiration that i have for her. and perhaps that air of mystique that she carries around her that attracts me, like a fly to a light in the middle of the night.

So, then, who do i really like? alas! all these nonsensical ponderings do not lessen my confusion a single bit!

I do..

I do not understand what I do. For what i want to do, i do not do. But what I do not want to do, I do. If I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is not I myself who does it but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good but cannot carry it out. What I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing. Now if I do what i do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-20

that sudden urge..

last night, i was thinking to induce slumber when that urge came to me again. after letting out a whooping loud fart, the urge was still there. leading feelings of loneliness and sadness, i had that urge to go on a holiday overseas with my friends. Sort of like a short-term goal, i experienced the same desire after Os. the only complications was the lack of money and the fact that the people that i truly desire to go overseas and have a unique bonding experience with are not those of my cohort. Of course, i do have friends from my cohort, like for classmates for example. but it was startling to realise that my good male friends were from my sec four class while my close girl friends are one year younger than me. i would love to go overseas with D and SP and DC. DC is nice, though I wished i had spent more time with her in my final year of secondary school life. Probably should and when D goes overseas, my guess is she would go with SN. and Ma of course. Haix. Met GL ytd. Still the same. we still nod to each other when we meet. Not so much of a telepathic conversation but it is largely due to the fact that we were never close, other than being bonded by looks. different personalities. but i would still trust him with my life.
if. i. can. only. go. overseas.

a

hMm.. one need not be in love to feel love.. thinking about my friend.. who's happily attached.. envious and not jealous.. fortunate guy he is..

..

hMm.. went 'out' with J ytd.. hMm.. she said i'm not T's type.. and.. that night.. actually last night i laid on my bed and pondered a mystery of life. compatibility of people. it is a tough topic. after all it aint like Mac OS and Windows OS where the differences are distinct. love cant be differentiated by height. nor weight. character and time are two main characters.
sometimes, one has so much affection for the people around oneself that one forgets the feeling of being loved. affction for D admiration for T. and J... i dont know about J.. the cool and calmness when she takes my hand is astoundingly puzzling. i know her heart is with another. in fact. the people i admire and affectionate all have other people in their heart. but sometimes one cannot follow the heart can one? especially if the heart and the mind does not get along well. especially when a war rages in the heart. in the place of burning passion. all consuming fire.

well.. lot of things/events has happened/occurred since the last post.. went for the International Youth Wind Orchestra concert yesterday.. at esplanade concert hall.. it was quite nice.. the hall i mean.. and the Boston Brass was good.. their tubist was strong.. though i couldnt really hear much of the IYWO's tubists.. and.. well.. i went with most of hildan band ppl.. including T. :) anyway, after the concert went to suntec convention center for their WASBE exhibition.. woahz.. they sell tuba for ten k lor.. i can get for 3 k elsewhere.. but different brands and different levels of quality's probably the reason why.. anyway, met S and M there.. S like a bit dao but M quite friendly and all.. their looks hasn't changed much.. though there is an air of musicality around them.. but that's NAFA for you..
J. T. Confusion in my heart. J or T. neither seems to fit me. J's character is rather opposite of mine. Yet T does arouse intriguing curiosity in me. Miss Her already.

haix.. why's T stuck in my head...

hMm.. after i found out that T also stays at the same place as the location of the cmm bbq tonight.. i cant stop thinking about her.. some girls just have outer beauty.. others have inner beauty.. T... i feel.. she has both.. something attracts me from within her.. and not just her herself.. perhaps it's that air of mystique around her that maketh me more puzzled and feeds that growing desire in me to know more about her and to know her.. yet she seems not to realise the effect she has on me.. but.. who would.. i dont see her that often.. except in my mind and in my dreams.. when i do see her.. we dont talk much.. but.. it's totally beyond my reach..

ytd.. + tdae.. = tml?

haix. a few days since i've blogged but i have to admit, there is a nagging thought in my mind that this blog might make me feel more exposed. guess i'm too used to keeping my own personal reflections to myself.

yesterday. it was a surreal experience. i had medsoc paper. it wasn't that bad. so many theories and models to remember but so few of these models and theories were tested. and, the worst part was the cultivation analysis didn't even appear in the paper @ all. after that, i went to tm with my mama and my ah girl and a few others. actually, we're all part of JZ's gang. but unfortunately, the charming cellist who's the gang leader had to go give tuition. hokkien lessons maybe? :D
anyway, went home after that and then, i went out to meet my a few of my sec four classmates for dinner. Cause S is back in sg but just for one more day before flying back to melbourne so, me op sm s al j j and h met up. four guys and four girls. it was a nice number actually. It took fifteen minutes for all of us to arrive and then, another fifteen minutes to agree on a place to eat before the fun began. i laughed so much till my voice cracked. we walked down memory lane, and discussed about other subjects like ear-piercing. we wanted to go catch a movie after dinner, well, some of us wanted to, but we got side-tracked and went to the arcade instead. it was so fun. i think my vocal box overworked last night. Racing, then hand hockey then bomberman then tokyo wars. finally, we went to starbucks. and it is soo soo soo cool. the bluetooth technology i mean. I finally used it to receive a song OP and it is so so so fast and i think i've been entranced by the sweetness of bluetooth technology. anyway, that was all for yesterday.

As for today, i met a few people i never thought i would meet. Well, i woke up @ eleven and then went for lunch with my mum at white sands and lo and behold, i met (mr) ethan guo. he was having lunch with Dex and another girl. i suppose the only people that one can never 'bump' into these few days would be chuah and selvan since both of them would be busy marking scripts. Then, i went to marrybrown to meet my friends after lunch and on my way home, i met J. i was stunned when i met her at the interchange. She looked different yet similar. I guess maturity does that to you, but her face still retained that cuteness as before. thinking about her brings back fond memories. anyway, she still had that beeeaaautiful smile like last time and well, her hair was short. as usual. :) her eyes still seemed to possess that ability to read my thoughts. i knew i made the right choice in primary school. when i had a major crush on her in p5. :D

tdae.. aintttbad

tdae aint tt bad.. had my first test of my poly life.. it wasnt tt bad.,. shld be able to pass.. guess the more major one wld be the medsoc test.. madsock indeed..
met J after paper tdae. went with her to tm. met ST on the way. weird, i am learning some stuff from her. well, more about gangs and slitting wrists and vulgarities. she is made of amazing stuff. using not-so-good ang moh and chinese and hokkien, her speech can be very punctuated with expletives. of course, naturally i do hope to be a good influence on her. but she does seem to like being depressed. definitely weird. but not beyond hope. :)
worry for her but cant nag at her
think about her but can't say it out loud
love her but not as a lover
pray for her that i will and that i must!

tdae..

vanessa.. sry for being like so '...' this morning.. but.. i need time to warm up la.. like a slow cooker.. :D... so.. yah.. sry k..

anyway.. enjoyed tdae.. had lunch wif DC and SP.. (to maintain privacy, i'll just type the initials only la).. and.. well.. somehow.. i cant seem to click that well with SP despite our closeness last time.. i would love to think that i just created that pseudo-feeling.. and that I and her were never close.. but.. deep inside my heart.. there is a room.. with her name on it.. and i have no choice but to accept the fact.. i and DC were suaning each other every min.. and.. SP has gotten chio-er.. haix.. if i and her weren't close last time, i might have fallen for her.. but there are friendships that are too deep to be a relationship..

i find myself trying. trying to retain the past, manage the present and welcome the future. but. it cannot be done. a choice, i need to make. one or two, not three. and i do not have the heart to make the choice. the past ladens me the present fills me the future overwhelms me. the past maketh me happy, the present satisfied, the future justified. which and what, should i choose and suffer and enjoy..